What is a Foodie?

Ugh, "foodie". I hate that word, even just linguistically. I don't like that it's a noun instead of a bizarre little adjective. I don't like that it ends in "-ie" instead of "-y" (how arbitrary!). I don't like this combination of my 2 least favorite vowels, because it's also found in a bunch of my other least favorite words ("boobies", "poopy", "duty", ugh)... I also associate those vowels with like, childish baby words because they're easy to pronounce in ugly words for retards and children alike. I don't like that this is the word they chose to describe a trend of people that I'm not particularly fond of, save that I like the word about as much as the trend. Before I get into my 'vs' list, what is a "foodie" to me?

Well, what is a "foodie", anyway? Basically (literally "basically"), they are "aficionados", they're people who are up on news and trends in food and drink. They are usually "amateurs", in that I have yet to meet a person who professionally produces food or drink that I (or they, themselves) would identify as a "foodie". They are usually quite passionate about boning up on things like the differences between Iberico and Parma ham, Pinot Noir and Merlot, and expensive vs less expensive brands of butter.

From there, they become more obnoxious. The most identifiable example of "foodies" on a kick is what happened after the movie Sideways came out. Merlot sales dropped because the douche in the movie kept blathering about how Pinot Noir is always better than Merlot. Is this true, across the board? Probably not. Did it influence a bunch of "foodies" in their purchasing and parlor-chatting practices? Yes, it did. Are there lots of other more subtle examples of this across food and drink? Yes. Remember the pomegranate craze a few years ago? Superfruits? Any mildly exotic fruit suddenly had amazing magical health-restoring properties and (obviously!) tasted way better than any garden variety fruit. The pomegranate flavor they were jamming into teabags, sauces and (high in vitamin C [ascorbic acid!]) candies just tasted like red. Pomegranate is not that stellar a flavor! Pomegranates are fun to eat, but I'll take strawberry or lemon in a dressing or a snack before it any day.

Kobe Beef. Yes, wagyu cow husbandry is quirky and admirable. Yes kobe steaks and burgers are fantastic. Should you ask the chef at a restaurant if all of their beef is kobe and then look really bummed when it isn't? No!

Here is my list of "you know you're a foodie if" qualifiers:

• You have ever asked a professional cook, with stars in your eyes, "what do cooks eat when they cook at home?" We eat canned beans and cereal, and some of us drink. We are boring people.
• The mention of things like "Meyer lemon", "farmer's market", "artisan" anything or "sus vide" causes you to exclaim whichever aforementioned term like a namedropping socialite.
• You ask your waiter if their truffle fries use white or black truffle
• You own at least one bottle of +$30 ee-vee-oh-oh
• Oh, better yet, you absolutely hate Rachel Ray.
• You have attempted to make your own cheese at home.
• You have a favorite hole in the wall restaurant you've been to once or twice that you endlessly sing the praises of, and secretly hope it doesn't get popular, because you feel like you have a secret. Same thing with indie kids and bands.
• You absolutely love your local fish market. Oh, you would never buy fish elsewhere.
• I don't even want to think of what I'd write here about coffee. Oh, I hate hearing n00bs talk about coffee.

By me, "foodies" are inexperienced people with money to burn who feign authority. Over who? People who just eat and enjoy what's in front of them?
I mean, love food; food is amazing stuff, but how can you be pretentious about it? And if you are a foodie, don't take it out on the local culinary school; some of us are trying to get stuff done here. And do us all a favor and quit denying that you totally got your high horse from Food Network, we know the song and dance.